Here are the lyrics for Dear Editor.

VERSE

Inside my pages the second act closes
Our hero’s been through so much she seems hopeless
What will she do next, you don’t know what it will be
You can’t stop reading, cause I’m chapter 203

CHORUS

You wouldn’t know something that was well written
if it jumped off the page and moved into your home, Barnard
BA in English says I should be streamlined
Fix your typos and commas and leave me alone

VERSE

I know someone that deserves your “affection”
Story goes nowhere and reading them’s a chore
I’m sure they’d love all your “expert” attention
Do me a favor and bug chapter 94

CHORUS

You wouldn’t know something that was well written
if it jumped off the page and moved into your home, Barnard
BA in English says I should be streamlined
Fix your typos and commas and leave me alone

VERSE

I guess I know we’re running long and could get lighter
Maybe a few words should stay lost instead of found
I don’t appreciate your yellow highlighter
No my author isn’t paid by the pound

CHORUS

You wouldn’t know something that was well written
if it jumped off the page and moved into your home, Barnard
BA in English says I should be streamlined
Fix your typos and commas and leave me alone

Here are the lyrics for Days Like This.

VERSE

You’re in my airspace and I tell myself it doesn’t matter
We’re steady circling, and i feel my common sense begin to scatter

CHORUS

Nobody told me there’d be days like this
When you’d be there to hold me, there’d be days like this
You could have bought and sold me, there’d be days like this
And I’m holding out for more

VERSE

Knock interrupts us and it’s just in time to stop for getting
We’re still connected and I think we know where this is heading

CHORUS

Nobody told me there’d be days like this
When you’d be there to hold me, there’d be days like this
You could have bought and sold me, there’d be days like this
And I’m holding out for more

BRIDGE

I couldn’t place you, you’re not the same as those i see
It took forever, to figure out the problem was with me

VERSE

The sun is up and reality is back, and now we’re in it
Though we said goodbye, all i know is you each hour each minute

CHORUS

Nobody told me there’d be days like this
When you’d be there to hold me, there’d be days like this
You could have bought and sold me, there’d be days like this
And I’m holding out for more

Nobody told me there’d be days like this
When you’d be there to hold me, there’d be days like this
You could have bought and sold me, there’d be days like this
And I’m holding out for more

Lyrics to Skymall by Jonathan Coulton.

VERSE

O’Hare is nice this time of year
I check my bags and find my seat and buy a beer and settle in

Such is my life here on the road
Now my seat back is up, tray table stowed and there’s nothing to do
I gotta get myself through

CHORUS

So I am shopping in Sky Mall
That five-mile-high mall
That always has just what I need
When I get to the gate and remember too late
I should have brought something to read
I’m OK, cause I know that I’ m gonna shop SkyMall

VERSE

I bought a pair of bonsai trees
I bought a big fake rock where I can hide my keys from everyone

And I imagine what all my friends would say
To see this lovable Santa dance and sway to my favorite songs
My favorite holiday songs

CHORUS

And I am shopping in SkyMall
That five-mile-high mall
That always has just what I need
When I get to the gate and remember too late
I should have brought something to read
I’m OK, cause I know that I’m gonna shop SkyMall

BRIDGE

In Cleveland, I bought a replica of the sword that was broken
And then somewhere above Detroit some Successories that say “Lead with Vision”

VERSE

I love you best when I’m away
And while I’m out here I look forward to the day when I come home

Cause there’s something special waiting there
It’s a whimsical statue of a bear that holds a bottle of wine
But please don’t touch it, it’s mine

CHORUS

Because I bought it at SkyMall
That five-mile-high mall
That always has just what I need
When I get to the gate and remember too late
I should have brought something to read
I’m OK, cause I know that I’m gonna shop SkyMall
Cause I know that I’m gonna shop SkyMall

I’ve gotten a couple of requests for the lyrics to some of my songs. So here’s the first set, for the latest track — 1000 A.D.

VERSE

Where the hell am I
And what’s this bump on my head
I’m sure not in Kansas
Could it be that I’m dead

It’s my standard nightmare
Of sudden time travel
Back a thousand years in Europe
I’m gonna unravel

Gotta calm down
I’ll be fine
I’ve got skills
I’ll use my mind

VERSE

I can read and write
And almost no one else can
Two years of high school Latin
Now I need a plan

I’ll sell boiled water
Better yet I’ll boil some wine
I’ll make a mint selling brandy
They’re all drunk all the time

Gotta calm down
I’ll be fine
I’ve got skills
I’ll use my mind

CHORUS

But it’s harder than I thought
These people aren’t so dumb
And they don’t understand a thing I say

Before I get rich
and discover electricity
I’ve gotta find some food and a place to stay

VERSE

I can do math
Right here in my head
I’m like a walking computer
They’ll hire me instead

Of making me a slave
If I could help them with their war
I’d invent the Haber process
Give them guns and bombs and more

Gotta calm down
I’ll be fine
I’ve got skills
I’ll use my mind

CHORUS

But it’s harder than I thought
These people aren’t so dumb
And they don’t understand a thing I say

Before I build my castle
and invent indoor plumbing
I’ve gotta find some food and a place to stay

VERSE

I’ll reenact every movie
in the form of a play
Luke will be Jesus
Leia’s Mary Magdalene

Every song by the Beatles
I’ll re-sing as my own
I will get satisfaction
Cause it’s mine and not the Stones

Gotta calm down
I’ll be fine
I’ve got skills
I’ll use my mind

CHORUS

But it’s harder than I thought
These people aren’t so dumb
And they don’t understand a thing I say

Before I change history
and discover America
I’ve gotta find some food and a place to stay
I’m starting to get thin and waste away
I’m sure I’ll find some food and a place to stay

These are the lyrics for Betty.

VERSE

There’s something wrong when your best friend hates you
It’s been so long I think she might erase you
You and her, you were like sisters for a time
Now you’re only good for her hand-me-downs

Look in the mirror you say you don’t look pretty
She agrees and I think god that’s shitty
Please don’t think that she is really on your side
Especially when it comes to your love life

CHORUS

How can you still be in love with him
Every time she shows you see your chances dim
He can’t see what I’ve been watching all this time
Let the rich girl have him, and you’ll be mine

VERSE

Step on the scale you think its ten too much
I want to shake you and say what the fuck
Are you thinking, you’re beautiful just the way you are
I know that you don’t see it like I do

You starve yourself for him, and he deserts you
He doesn’t care, all he does is hurt you
Why do you let him walk all over your heart
You’re crying into your ice cream

CHORUS

How can you still be in love with him
Every time she shows you see your chances dim
He can’t see what I’ve been watching all this time
Let the rich girl have him, and you’ll be mine

BRIDGE

Maybe you’ll wake up and stop this sadness
Maybe you’ll finally see me tonight
Maybe you’ll see how all this is madness
Maybe you’ll see I’m right

VERSE

You spill your sorrows she is your confessor
She doesn’t care, your tears they don’t impress her
Your secrets help her break your heart even worse
She is thinking about those shoes she bought

He runs to her even though she hates him
He buys her presents and she berates him
Can’t you see that they aren’t worth your time
You deserve so much better

CHORUS

How can you still be in love with him
Every time she shows you see your chances dim
He can’t see what I’ve been watching all this time
Let the rich girl have him, and you’ll be mine

How can you still be in love with him
Every time she shows you see your chances dim
Even the kid with the crown has found the apple of his eye
But you’re still smiling like you’re happy and we’re wondering why
You’re still chasing after Archie and I wonder why

Lyrics for Victor’s a Dictionary.

VERSE

Victor’s a dictionary
Look up any word
He hates to be interrupted
He needs to be heard
My friend, it’s then, you comprehend

CHORUS

He’s living inside an opera
The rules they tell him what’s wrong from right
He’s quick to do a favor for you
Sydney’s Warm tonight

VERSE

Often wish so hard that he had
Brought his prescription pad
My case of advanced glaucoma
Would get real bad
My friend, it’s then, you comprehend

He’s living inside an opera
The rules they tell him what’s wrong from right
He’s quick to do a favor for you
Sydney’s Warm tonight

VERSE

That dish at the Straits Cafe
What was it called
It beat that jelly grass drink
We were appalled
My friend, it’s then, you comprehend

CHORUS

He’s living inside an opera
The rules they tell him what’s wrong from right
He’s quick to do a favor for you
Sydney’s Warm tonight

He’s living inside an opera
The rules they tell him what’s wrong from right
He’s quick to do a favor for you
Sydney’s Warm tonight

Lyrics for Private Island.

VERSE

Look in the mirror at myself, I can make it another day
Feeling for heartbeats and my health, and my trip’s still got a ways
To go to get there intact
Where will I end up in fact
My suitcase has always been packed
For the moment when I would go there

CHORUS
I’ll take you with me when I go
My private island told me so
Please trust me here, cause I should know

VERSE

Drawing the maps and diagrams, when I’m bored throughout the day
Where will I sleep and eat and read, and I’ll need a place to stay
When I go all in good time
The water’s warm and sublime
My suitcase has always been primed
For the moment when I would go there

CHORUS

I’ll take you with me when I go
My private island told me so
Please trust me here, cause I should know

BRIDGE

And if I walked into your room
Tickets in hand, our flight leaves soon
And if I said it’s time to go
You told me before so I should know

VERSE

Pack my CDs or take some food, and it doesn’t matter now
Not to just be a trusting fool, it’ll work itself out, how
I don’t know when but it’s clear
Each day the clock shows it’s near
My suitcase has always been here
For the moment when I would go there

CHORUS

I’ll take you with me when I go
My private island told me so
Please trust me here, cause I should know

I’ll take you with me when I go
My private island told me so
Please trust me here, cause I should know

Lyrics for Terry (the Probably Drunk and Definitely Angry Stewardess)

I’d like a seltzer with some ice
And a wedge of lime would sure be nice
And the can if you can
Cause I know I’ll soon want some more

It’s either this or the cranapple mix
Which I usually get as my flight time fix
But today it is seltzer and lime
That I’d really like please

CHORUS

I think I’ve upset you
Maybe it’s me but you’re yelling
You woke up the baby
What’s that on your breath that I’m smelling

I’m sorry that I asked for the can
And I can see that you’re not a fan
Of working here

I know that it’s sexist and shallow too
That said I could swear that it used to be true
That the stewardesses were so young
And quite pretty as well

It’s not that I mind if that’s not you
I’m sure you’re attractive in your own way too
You just seem so pissed off
And I can’t stop from wondering why

CHORUS

I think I’ve upset you
Maybe it’s me but you’re yelling
You woke up the baby
What’s that on your breath that I’m smelling

I’m sorry that I asked for the can
And I can see that you’re not a fan
Of working here

BRIDGE

The guy with the broken headphones
The lady trying to pass your cart
You knocked into that kid’s elbow
None of them can melt your heart

VERSE

You’re working the cart and your partner’s scared
I think she is dreading the flights where you’re paired
Though It’s so hard to tell as she grins
Just a little too much

It seems like you may be slurring your words
Could it be at the bar that you ordered thirds
When you’re swearing out loud
It just seems like you may be off

CHORUS

I think I’ve upset you
Maybe it’s me but you’re yelling
You woke up the baby
What’s that on your breath that I’m smelling

I’m sorry that I asked for the can
And that your life wasn’t according to plan
And I can see that you’re not a fan
Of working here

Lyrics for Rule 34.

VERSE

There’s a dragon all alone with nothing but time
No matter how hard he tries, the concept enters his mind
Way deep down he knows, that he can never go back
He’s in love with a late model Pontiac

CHORUS

It’s a different kind of love between man and machine
Well he’s not quite a man, but you know what I mean
And if there’s a place to go
Where these lovers can just be
And love whatever they can love
Please don’t forget me

VERSE

Don’t be judgy and rude just cause it’s not your thing
I see true dragon-auto love, and it makes me sing
If you knew a dragon in this condition, he’d be
Out cruising bars for a sexy transmission

CHORUS

It’s a different kind of love between man and machine
Well he’s not quite a man, but you know what I mean
And if there’s a place to go
Where these lovers can just be
And love whatever they can love
Please don’t forget me

VERSE

Even in the best case, not every love’s a sure bet
Especially when, he sees that gorgeous corvette
Just like you and me a dragon follows his heart
Always looking for love and that special jump start

CHORUS

It’s a different kind of love between man and machine
Well he’s not quite a man, i think you know what I mean
And if there’s a place to go
Where these lovers can just be
And love whatever they can love
Please don’t forget me

And if there’s a place to go
Where these lovers can be free
And do whatever they call love
Please don’t forget me

Lyrics for Let’s Sneak Off.

VERSE

I had an idea, and I told you on the spot
I was half joking, you were half not
Things are so busy in our complicated lives
I thought it might help if we had some additional wives

Ingrid moved in and things had gotten better
She loved to watch the kids
I didn’t think she wanted ones of her own, but
Surprise, surprise, she did

CHORUS

Let’s sneak off my wife #1
Leave everyone else at home
Even though our lives have gotten better
I really want some time alone

VERSE

With all the new kids it was like managing a herd
It seemed to make sense, so we got ourselves a third
But with so many people the house fell into disrepair
Your new suggestion, a second husband would only be fair

Lars moved in and it felt kind of funny
You also had another spouse
I warmed up when I saw how handy
Lars was around the house

CHORUS

Let’s sneak off my wife #1
Leave everyone else at home
Even though our lives have gotten better
I really want some time alone

VERSE

It seemed so simple, now it’s gotten quite complex
The line for the bathroom, stretches up and down the steps
I’m having trouble remembering all the new kids’ names
I may be mistaken, aren’t there three boys all named Shane

Somewhere between wife 27
And husband number 39
It took me a week to finally track you down
And remind you that you’re still mine

CHORUS

Let’s sneak off my wife #1
Leave everyone else at home
Even though our lives have gotten better
I really want some time alone