A few months ago I decided I wanted to try and do a cover. Based on the result, it was clearly a bad idea. I probably should have been discouraged but instead, after months of therapy, I decided to try again. The victim this time was one of my favorite artists - Jonathan Coulton and his excellent song SkyMall. The first few moments of the original have a very sweet quality. For this version I decided to try and extend that quality to the entire song by encasing it in a thick layer of vanilla frosting. Hopefully the result is something you’ll enjoy.

Thanks to Steve, Kira, and Debbie for a patient ear while reviewing the many iterations.

P.S. I wonder if you can find the easter egg in the song. Nobody’s noticed so far.

Skymall

[LYRICS]

Lyrics to Skymall by Jonathan Coulton.

VERSE

O’Hare is nice this time of year
I check my bags and find my seat and buy a beer and settle in

Such is my life here on the road
Now my seat back is up, tray table stowed and there’s nothing to do
I gotta get myself through

CHORUS

So I am shopping in Sky Mall
That five-mile-high mall
That always has just what I need
When I get to the gate and remember too late
I should have brought something to read
I’m OK, cause I know that I’ m gonna shop SkyMall

VERSE

I bought a pair of bonsai trees
I bought a big fake rock where I can hide my keys from everyone

And I imagine what all my friends would say
To see this lovable Santa dance and sway to my favorite songs
My favorite holiday songs

CHORUS

And I am shopping in SkyMall
That five-mile-high mall
That always has just what I need
When I get to the gate and remember too late
I should have brought something to read
I’m OK, cause I know that I’m gonna shop SkyMall

BRIDGE

In Cleveland, I bought a replica of the sword that was broken
And then somewhere above Detroit some Successories that say “Lead with Vision”

VERSE

I love you best when I’m away
And while I’m out here I look forward to the day when I come home

Cause there’s something special waiting there
It’s a whimsical statue of a bear that holds a bottle of wine
But please don’t touch it, it’s mine

CHORUS

Because I bought it at SkyMall
That five-mile-high mall
That always has just what I need
When I get to the gate and remember too late
I should have brought something to read
I’m OK, cause I know that I’m gonna shop SkyMall
Cause I know that I’m gonna shop SkyMall

Apparently my diction leaves something to be desired as there have been several requests for lyrics for all the tracks. Wish granted! You can click on the Lyrics category, or when you go to each individual song post (click on the name of the track in the left column) there’s a link to the lyrics at the bottom of each song post. Thanks for the suggestion.

Well, the last couple of days have certainly been exciting. Needless to say, we’re getting slightly more attention than normal for the latest track - 1000 A.D. - courtesy of kottke.org, Marginal Revolution, and MetaFilter as well as many other cool blogs. Thanks to everyone who posted, commented, listened, etc.

I thought now might be a good time to introduce some of the new inductees into the Sugar Fix Fan Ecosystem (it’s small, but I’ve decided it’s an ecosystem nonetheless) to some of the other tracks that haven’t gotten as much press:

• Betty — If you’ve ever felt any affinity for the girl that doesn’t end up with the guy, or if you just enjoy Archie comics.
• Victor’s a Dictionary — About our old Australasian friend Victor. It’s even got some didgeridoo.
• Terry, the Probably Drunk and Definitely Angry Stewardess — Inappropriate stewardess rage. Everyone’s experienced this.
• Let’s Sneak Off — Polygamy gone awry.
• Rule 34 — If you like songs based on blog posts then this one is a doozy.
• Private Island — Some rare introspection. And it swings!

Thanks to everyone who’s written about, or visited the site. Hope to have more new music soon.

Recently I lost an hour reading a comment thread that started as follows:

“I wanted to ask for survival tips in case I am unexpectedly transported to a random location in Europe (say for instance current France/Benelux/Germany) in the year 1000 AD (plus or minus 200 years). I assume that such transportation would leave me with what I am wearing, what I know, and nothing else. Any advice would help.”

The suggestions ranged from funny to serious, and ludicrous to ludicrouser. Nonetheless, I spent the next two days worried that I wasn’t prepared for this eventuality. (Yes, I know there’s something wrong with me.) After perusing many of the suggestions on the original thread on Marginal Revolution as well as the side thread on kottke.org, I realized the only way to deal with this was to put this collective intelligence to music.

This song was kind of accidental. I have several others in the works, but this just sort of popped up on the piano as we were about to leave the house. I jotted it down quickly (correct… I’m unable to memorize 4 chords) and I kept obsessing about this thread so the only logical conclusion was to put the music and topic together.

I did my best to capture as many of the best comments as possible but 3:26 isn’t a huge canvas. I’m particularly sad that I never figured out a way to mention how bad the people must have smelled, or my plan to get rich selling soap.

1000 A.D.

Lyrics

I’ve gotten a couple of requests for the lyrics to some of my songs. So here’s the first set, for the latest track — 1000 A.D.

VERSE

Where the hell am I
And what’s this bump on my head
I’m sure not in Kansas
Could it be that I’m dead

It’s my standard nightmare
Of sudden time travel
Back a thousand years in Europe
I’m gonna unravel

Gotta calm down
I’ll be fine
I’ve got skills
I’ll use my mind

VERSE

I can read and write
And almost no one else can
Two years of high school Latin
Now I need a plan

I’ll sell boiled water
Better yet I’ll boil some wine
I’ll make a mint selling brandy
They’re all drunk all the time

Gotta calm down
I’ll be fine
I’ve got skills
I’ll use my mind

CHORUS

But it’s harder than I thought
These people aren’t so dumb
And they don’t understand a thing I say

Before I get rich
and discover electricity
I’ve gotta find some food and a place to stay

VERSE

I can do math
Right here in my head
I’m like a walking computer
They’ll hire me instead

Of making me a slave
If I could help them with their war
I’d invent the Haber process
Give them guns and bombs and more

Gotta calm down
I’ll be fine
I’ve got skills
I’ll use my mind

CHORUS

But it’s harder than I thought
These people aren’t so dumb
And they don’t understand a thing I say

Before I build my castle
and invent indoor plumbing
I’ve gotta find some food and a place to stay

VERSE

I’ll reenact every movie
in the form of a play
Luke will be Jesus
Leia’s Mary Magdalene

Every song by the Beatles
I’ll re-sing as my own
I will get satisfaction
Cause it’s mine and not the Stones

Gotta calm down
I’ll be fine
I’ve got skills
I’ll use my mind

CHORUS

But it’s harder than I thought
These people aren’t so dumb
And they don’t understand a thing I say

Before I change history
and discover America
I’ve gotta find some food and a place to stay
I’m starting to get thin and waste away
I’m sure I’ll find some food and a place to stay

Haven’t posted a new song in a bit. I am working on several at once but things are a little slower going since work started up again. I have one track done except for the string quartet. I am not shitting you — a string quartet. What kind of a pretentious jerk thinks he can put a string quartet in his song? This kind!

Don’t judge me too harshly. There are at least 3 others in the works as well (songs, not pretentious jerks), including my first cover. Scary! I’ll keep plugging away and post when I have something listenable.

After a few short months of plugging away at this music on the internet thing, we’ve gotten just a tiny bit of attention (but it’s attention nonetheless).

The posters over at the Facepunch Studios forum enjoyed Rule 34.

Daniel Pinkwater (one of my favorite commentators on NPR) used Victor’s a Dictionary in his weekly podcast.

These are the lyrics for Betty.

VERSE

There’s something wrong when your best friend hates you
It’s been so long I think she might erase you
You and her, you were like sisters for a time
Now you’re only good for her hand-me-downs

Look in the mirror you say you don’t look pretty
She agrees and I think god that’s shitty
Please don’t think that she is really on your side
Especially when it comes to your love life

CHORUS

How can you still be in love with him
Every time she shows you see your chances dim
He can’t see what I’ve been watching all this time
Let the rich girl have him, and you’ll be mine

VERSE

Step on the scale you think its ten too much
I want to shake you and say what the fuck
Are you thinking, you’re beautiful just the way you are
I know that you don’t see it like I do

You starve yourself for him, and he deserts you
He doesn’t care, all he does is hurt you
Why do you let him walk all over your heart
You’re crying into your ice cream

CHORUS

How can you still be in love with him
Every time she shows you see your chances dim
He can’t see what I’ve been watching all this time
Let the rich girl have him, and you’ll be mine

BRIDGE

Maybe you’ll wake up and stop this sadness
Maybe you’ll finally see me tonight
Maybe you’ll see how all this is madness
Maybe you’ll see I’m right

VERSE

You spill your sorrows she is your confessor
She doesn’t care, your tears they don’t impress her
Your secrets help her break your heart even worse
She is thinking about those shoes she bought

He runs to her even though she hates him
He buys her presents and she berates him
Can’t you see that they aren’t worth your time
You deserve so much better

CHORUS

How can you still be in love with him
Every time she shows you see your chances dim
He can’t see what I’ve been watching all this time
Let the rich girl have him, and you’ll be mine

How can you still be in love with him
Every time she shows you see your chances dim
Even the kid with the crown has found the apple of his eye
But you’re still smiling like you’re happy and we’re wondering why
You’re still chasing after Archie and I wonder why

This song is about a love rectangle. The singer is in love with Betty, she’s in love with a boy who treats her like crap. He is in love with Betty’s rich best friend who treats both him and Betty like crap. Everyone’s pretty much miserable except possibly for the best friend who’s oblivious to people’s feelings.

I had this little chord progression kicking around for awhile, but frankly, you need to be pretty on the ball to change keys between the verse and the chorus in a fluid way. I wouldn’t characterize myself as on the ball, but with some effort my key changing chord progression now mostly conforms to basic pop song parameters. Also, all the parts that rock are thanks to Chris on the bass and guitar. Especially the guitar solo which I adore.

Betty [lyrics]